Tony: Alan, please! Lynn: What if Tony Hayers see’s cook pass babtridge painted on your car? Alan: Thank you. More Another way of looking at it is, people like them, let’s make some more of them. I’d effectively be disabled if it weren’t for these. Alan: Yes please… no, sorry, you [Pointing to Tony] Tony: Yeah, name of Hayers? Tony: There is to be no second series. I know for a fact Martin Lewis got two power showers out of them. Tea? Alan: Michael, Michael. . Alan as Chris: No, she won’t eat that either. Opening sequence, me in Trafalgar Square feeding the pigeons going ‘oooh god’! I’ll take the house! Lynn (as Tony Hayers): I’m fine. Here’s Yazoo. If you come up with anything else, then please I dont want you to hesitate…. That’s all I wanted to know. Lynn: Tony. Alan: Whoooo, whoooo, who do you think you are? Alan: It’s got walnuts in. Alan: Very cheap to make, do it in a pub car park! Tony: Just a mineral water for me, please. I suppose what you're trying to say is, you don't want another Chris Evans on your hands. It’s on the side of my car [Sophie walks back behind reception]. Alan: Yeah, get rid of it. Waiter: Would you like a drink first? There are more people out there trying to quit the booze than I ever realised. ... to quote the great man himself, it’s “evolution not revolution”. Tony: That’s what I wanted to talk about, Alan. Played by Rutger Hauer. Tagged: alan partridge, alcohol support, evolving not … Alan: Right. Do like Mini Kiev’s? No, you’re all on the BBC gravy train. Episode 5 – I Know What Alan Did Last Summer, Episode 1 – Sue Lewis, Keith Hunt, Shona McGough, Roger Moore, Episode 2 – Daniella Forrest, Petty Officer Alan Partridge, Tony Le Mesmer, Tania Beaumont and Gary Barker. So you be Tony Hayers. I’m sorry about the cow early, by the way. I’m being bawdy, Lynn. Michael: Ye wouldn’t want to know Mr. Partridge. Tony: No. Tony: Really? Obsessions include prehistoric consciousness, depth psychology, cosmology, animism, and Alan Partridge. Estate Agent: School for the deaf. I suppose what you are trying to say is, you don’t want another Chris Evans on your hands. Tony: No that IS what we want. Alan: Smell my cheese! You’re in the right ballpark. Alan Partridge (and the actor who channels him) is obviously at its apex. Alan: Well, it’s just a title. sufferers about their condition. Like little tears, little wax tears dripping from your ears because they’re sad. "What the eck, Rock n roll let's all have a Pear", "I was there shouting with everyone else 'Come back on, ELO, and carry on playing! Alan to Sophie: Just talking about cows. Let’s have a bit of red; let’s have a bit of white! Was I on that long? I’m basically saying I’m going to be checking out at the end of the week. Fosters menswear said yes if you get the second series, and you wear one garment a week on air. Alan as Chris Rea: Hello Alan didn’t know you moved in. Tony: [Tony is holding a bottle of Blue Nun, laughing hysterically] Blue Nun! Alan: Here’s to our future relationship at the BBC. [Lynn passes him the cream]. His resurrection takes the form of This Time with Alan Partridge, acting as a stand-in on a One show-like magazine chat show. Well another one of those again tomorrow. ‘Evolution not revolution’. She’s living with that fitness instructor; he provides her all her sexual, intercourse. Tony: No no, it’s a bad idea. The delusions of grandeur are part of a rich lineage in British comedy that stretches all the way back to Tony Hancock via Del … Because that is me. But they’re just deaf, they’re not deaf offenders? It would pain Alan to hear those words again, but "evolution not revolution" perfectly describes the … Estate Agent: Sure. Alan: Mind if I have a go on the loo? You know, because I e-volve but I don’t re-volve. Alan: A detective series based in Norwich called “Swallow”. [Lynn does a false laugh] He might make that noise. Tony: Why would I want to do that? You know, because I e-volve … Lynn: Who am I… Alan: Just say yes! Estate Agent: Fiver Alan: Five! Alan: I’ll take it. Alan: Bloody BBC!. Alan [Viewing the dining room]: Yes it’s an extender! Lynn: Alan? [Estate agent looks perplexed]. Let’s go off to the BBC. Alan: Yeah, I think I’ll have some… wine, actually. Alan: We take fat people from the inner cities, put them in big nappies and then get them to throw each other out of a circle that we draw with chalk on the ground. [Alan really doesn’t care and shrugs his shoulders to make the point] Peter: We’ve haven’t met, but I liked your chat show. Alan: In that case you’ve got yourself a deal! “Knowing M.E., Knowing You”. I ‘evolve’, but I don’t… ‘revolve’…. The more I watch of this series the more I'm loving the revolution evolution of Alan Partridge. Susan: Yes, they’re rolled gold. What does that say to you about regional detective series? Revolve. Tony: NO! ", "God created Adam and Eve , not Adam and Steve". He's the author of North (2014), and the publisher behind the acclaimed underground journals Dreamflesh (2006) and Towards 2012 (a long time ago). Well, he's just revamped News and Current Affairs. Tony Hayers: "Alan, this is Peter Linehan, he's revamping our current affairs output..." . Your programmes were appalling. Ripe for milking. Alan: I’d rather you didn’t, it’s not that kind of an evening. In fact he is so desperate, he imagines himself lap-dancing for BBC Chief Commissioning Editor, Tony Hayers. For example he wants to get somewhere quickly. Aqua. Susan: Don’t worry about your car, Alan. Michael: What I’m saying is that, like if they had themselves proper jobs you know, what there ‘gan ’til, then they wouldn’t ‘dee it. Alan can’t resist getting down with the kids for his outfit at the station’s rebranding … D’you like milk? Come in, the door’s open. Yes, in the Peak District. Susan: Yes, of course. Alan: I prefer to go alone. This will put Norwich on the map. Lynn: Just me. Synopsis: After his marriage to Carol fell apart, and his chat show ending in disaster, Alan is desperate to secure a second series of Knowing Me, Knowing You. I’ve not thought it through Lynn; I’ll call you back. [Wait starts to pour the Blue Nun] Whoa!, what are you doing? Tony: Well unfortunately for you, I am the Chief Commissioning Editor of BBC television. Or vice versa. [Lynn opens a drawer and notices some pornographic material]. Estate Agent: Yeah! I’ve seen some terrible things mind. When he is told that there will be no second series, and that he has a reputation for making bad television programmes, he attacks Tony Hayers with a clump of cheese. Third time round". Battered! Alan: It was a belter, did you hear it? Or vice versa." Opening Credits Quote: The string back just gives you a bit of extra purchase. Even then it’s going to weigh the best part of a ton. And a broken home is not an excuse for evil. Alan to Susan: Actually, can I talk to you, rather delicate matter. HistoricDealer Posts: 2,230. Alan: ‘Fraid so. Mind if I have a go? Alan: [Alan is woken by Lynn knocking on his hotel room door] Fight you! It says “cock piss partridge” [Sophie walks away again, laughing], which is illegal. Wouldn’t want to though. I’m leaving you, you cow! NO, IT WAS THE OPPOSITE. Susan: Yes, she is. Alan: I’ll… have… a pint of bitter! Lynn: How did it go? Let’s go! "Well you know whatever. Alan to Susan: No, no, god… There’s never any graffiti in the hotel. Don’t cry ears, you’re on the side of a lovely head! Gone hard. I want a second series. Otherwise people start taking liberties. These people are starting to annoy me. A subreddit for fans of Steve Coogan and his legendary character [Alan … It was too late of course, but I didn’t quite kill him, that was the tragedy. Fantastic. You’re not a cow. Lynn: I also rang all the companies on the product list you gave me. Related articles across the web. Estate Agent: Yes, it’s got one of those. Lynn: We’re gonna have to zip. Alan: I loved that phrase you used; it was very very clever, where you said revolution, not evolution. I’m having a barbecue, fancy coming over? And now it’s time for one of Alan’s ‘Fact of the day’: Crab sticks don’t actually contain any crab. Stop! Because that is me. Properly policed, it must not, REPEAT NOT turn into an all-night rave. Tony: No, I’m sorry, no. ... after reading his article on 'evolution, not revolution' in television: “That's me! ", "I'm on the ring road , Lynn. Alan: “Youth Hostelling with Chris Eubank” Tony: No! Stephen: Well I remember he came home from work one night, very excited that he… Alan: People want to err… did he ever turn all the lights off in the house and run towards you with a torch, hoping to try and catch the reflection in your eyes? Alan: I'm you're man. Alan: There’s tea in the pot. Sorry, sometimes it’s difficult to understand the Geordie people. Susan: Are you going back to your wife? Alan: Yes of course, erm, how much is it? Sorry I’m err, dry skin, I’m flaking again. Waiter: I’ve already poured half. I’ll get Michael to sort it out for you. Alan: Oooh, let’s forget about all this! Is that included? [Alan looks at the estate agent for an answer] Estate Agent: It’s in that area. Although in the gents a couple of weeks ago I did see that someone had drawn a ladies part [Alan draws a triangle shape with his finger]. Can I have a second series? Alan: Well, yeah yeah, obviously, but that’s… do you know what it says on the side of my car? Having initially been amused at Labour’s new policy on Brexit being described as ‘Evolution not Revolution’ – a line straight out of the first episode of I’m Alan Partridge – I found it interesting that many news sites and papers were suggesting that Jeremy Corbyn will use a speech on Monday to bring a little more clarity over his party’s position on Brexit. Right. Alan: I think he’ll be tougher than that, Lynn. Alan: I wasn’t expecting that Lynn. I'm Alan Partridge - S01E01 A Room with an Alan . He's looking ruddy blood goody for 64! Tony: No thank you. Alan: I want you to pour a little bit, let me sip it, and then pour the rest. It was quite detailed. Is there a neighbourhood watch system? Estate Agent: Mini mart? Sophie: No. Having an attack of the old flakes again. My five bedroom bastard house! Before you know it you’re mowing their lawn. Evolution Not Revolution. Alan (as Tony Hayers): Hello Tony how are you? Tony: No, I don’t want to smell the cheese. Waiter: Are you ready to order? We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Tony: It’s my weakness I’m afraid, I’ve got a cellar. Oh my god! So it’s slightly less rude. I was just saying to Susan, bit of a job for you. Because that is me. Would you like a Cuban cigar, Tony? Scum. . Alan: Yeah, give me another series you shit! Tony: Really? Monza said no a free caravan and yes to a tow bar. I'd love to go." I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that in the twenty-first century. What’s this little sink here? Alan as Chris Rea: I’d love to, do you mind if I bring my guitar? Dave: Heard you laying into the criminals again there, Alan. Alan: I’ll be honest, I’m pretty curious. Alan: Yeah yeah he was. Because that is me. Dry skin cream? Tony: Really? Sometimes you just want to say ‘sod all this wine just give me a pint of mineral water’. Haven’t you got programmes to make? It’s a cast iron egg tree, lacquered. Alan: Scaled-down supermarket, fits inside a petrol station. [Lynn starts to walk towards the living room door, and Alan cuts in front of her] One more question. [Alan and Tony follow the waiter to their table] Alan: We managed to rectify it though, it now says… by adapting it, it now says “cook” where it once said “cock”. Alan: Well I’m afraid Susan I’ve got some very bad news. Alan: Lovely. Alan: I loved that phrase you used; it was very very clever, where you said revolution, not evolution. [Alan picks out a file from his bag] Right, ok.  “Shoestring”, “Taggart”, “Spender”, “Bergerac”, “Morse”. Alan: Be Lynn again. Lynn: Well Alan, the ratings for the first series started poorly and went downhill from there. Estate Agent: They’re just deaf.Alan: Not you, Lynn. Alan: It’s quite nice. You are someone who has a proven track record for making mostly bad television programmes. You know, give them a platform. Look at you, do you go around drawing peep hole bras on the wall? Alan [With Tony entering the restaurant]: You know it says Partridge I can understand, but then cock and piss. Or vice-versa. Alan to Room Service: Hi, erm, can I have an Irish coffee delivered to the room please? Alan: Well, you know, whatever. Lynn: Three minutes ago. Estate Agent: Shell, about a quarter of a mile down… Alan: Right, has it got a mini mart? I evolve, but I don't...revolve. I don’t want salvation, I just want to be able to say “I’m Alan Partridge.” “Join me tonight when my guests will be”… I don’t know “Chris Rea”. Something to pitch to Tony Hayers at BBC lunch, Friday. Sorry. Estate Agent: Shall we have a look at the rest of the house? Alan: Don’t worry, Lynn. Estate Agent: Oh! [Cockerel crows followed by Alan with an “A-haaaaa!”]. Good morning to you, sir. It’s very futuristic isn’t it, very sort of high tech space age. With The Man With The Child In His Eyes. After his keyboard malfunctions at 'An afternoon with Alan Partridge'. All I got there was ‘broken homes’. Alan [Walking up the stairs]: It’s very Cluedo this house isn’t it? Lynn: Nope. Lynn: Yes. Ok, small talk. Alan: “Inner City Sumo”. And from 1993, manufactures have been legally obliged to label them ‘crab flavoured sticks’. The guy obviously had talent, that’s the tragedy. [Reception phone rings] Susan: Oh, excuse me. We don't evolve.. Tony: Peter, hello, how are you? Tony: Farfalle, it’s farfalle. Alan: I loved your article in the Guardian, by the way. Erm. I remember seeing the reflection in his eyes just before I hit him. That was a negative and right now I need two positives. Waiter: I think that’s quite enough thank you! Susan: No. Lynn:  Would you like a second series of your chat show? I like wine! Is she new? Stephen: Well the idea of reflection of course is what dad was interested in, the idea of… Alan: Can I just interrupt you there, Stephen?Time now for ‘Alan’s Fact of the Day’: Most Cornflakes come from the USA. Alan: Would you like me to lap dance for you? Alan: And. Alan: Well, you know, whatever. He’s an idiot! She’s living with a fitness instructor. That is the icing on the cake!. Alan: I like those earrings, are they gold? Waiter: I’m pouring the wine out. Bit of a maverick, not afraid to break the law if he thinks it’s necessary. January 11, 2017 March 14, 2018. Be a bit weird. Alan: I’m basically driving round in an obscene publication. Lynn: No, they said they didn’t do that sort of thing. Alan: That’s bollocks, but go on. The vandals got to your car again? In fact he is so desperate, he imagines himself lap-dancing for BBC Chief Commissioning Editor, Tony Hayers. No? Alan: Thank you very much. Susan: No Alan: No, he never does. After a brief heart-to-heart with his tireless PA Lynn (Fifty), in which he has an imaginary conversation with Chris Rea, he retreats to his hotel room at the Linton Travel Tavern. RTE executive: "It amazes me when people say that and it's only 49 quid on a plane." 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